Jade Helm Ends in Devastating Stalemate, Obama Fails to Completely Destroy Jesus and Reign in New Age of Liberal Darkness

Austin, Texas – Christian freedom fighters joined with brave leaders such as President George W. Bush, Governors Abbott and Perry and Chuck Norris to defend not only Texas, but Christianity itself, during Obama’s Jade Helm invasion.

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Governor Greg Abbott confirms that Obama’s forces have been forced to retreat from the state.  Though Obama’s forces are headed back to DC, the costs of battle have been devastating for Christians.

The CDC reports that Obama’s chemtrail attacks alone have left many Christians with wavering faith, their morals compromised as family units fall apart as homosexuality arises in locales all throughout the state.  Crosses are still missing from dozens of churches and some Christians have taken to hiding.

What Did Jade Helm Mean for Jesus, Christianity and America’s Future?

Not since Abraham Lincoln lead Americans against liberal separatists during the Civil War has such an important battle been fought in American soil.  Much like Democrats rallied to destroy America in the 1860s, Obama tried to tear Texas away from the rest of the nation so he could use its oil wealth to start himself a new kingdom in 2016.

obama gay marriage enforce middle earth texas jade helmObama planned to use conquered Texas as a beachhead into the American heartland as well as an example to show that he could conquer the most Christian-state and turn it into a sodomy megaloplis of gay marriage and liberal sinning.

To Obama’s surprise, the citizens of Texas — starting with Governor Greg Abbott — vowed to fight for their freedom.  This infuriated Obama and he unleashed the most bizarre and scientifically advanced warfare against the Christian community.

beluga whales sea worldOne of Obama’s most famous attacks during Jade Helm took place at Sea World. Families were shocked when a genetically engineered beluga whale with shamelessly glistening abs dramatically emerged from the sea park’s waters to spritz swaths of them with homosexual chemtrail water.

Sources report that men began eyeing and touching one another not long after these attacks at the water park and that’s when President George W. Bush and others went into deep hiding, so they could command Christian forces around the state and form a resistance.

It was obvious that Obama was not beyond using chemical warfare to alter the minds of Christians to reach his end goal of presiding over Texas as a new age Kushite pharaoh god-king.

[adinserter block=”3″]During Jade Helm, Obama traveled the world to collect ancient relics associated with the occult and supernatural ability.  He was often seen wearing Egyptian headgarb and performing moon rituals, confirming insider reports that he sees himself as a modern day Son of Apophis.

Other Prominent Jade Helm Attacks

homosexual chemtrail fire antsG

Homosexually laced fireants bite Christians to turn them to homosexuality


Lone Wolf gays attack Blackhawk Chopper with perfumed smoke


Obama Uses Mjolnir to Strike Christians with Lightning


The image above still circulates heavily in Christian social media.  A fallen soldier is defending his church against Obama’s armies and all the viewer can see in the picture are what appear to be hooven or be-clawed feet marching on.


The Chinese Red Army was caught rallying in Tijuana and conspiring with other Obama-hired mercenaries to invade America from the South.


The Sacking of Highland Park, Texas.  Perhaps one of the most devastating battles of Jade Helm, Christian forces were overwhelmed after B-52 bombers unleashed a brutal campaign of chemtrails upon the town.  By the time the smoke cleared, churches lay in ruin and men lay with other men.

The Heroes of Jade Helm

texas jade helmAmerica banded together with an assortment of Republican and even Libertarian leaders in DC to fight off Obama’s Jade Helm invasion.

Through focused prayers, counter-insurgencies and political maneuvering, America has still ended Jade Helm with an impressive 93% per capita Christian rating.

While the liberals continue to conspire and grow in number, Jade Helm proves that Christianity may be an old religion, but it will not fall easily.

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  1. Reply
    Roland Rode says

    What chance did Obama and his liberal minions have with Chuck Norris on our side?

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