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Republicans: Women, Stop All These Assault Claims Or We Will Drain All The Pumpkins of Their Spice

In this undated photograph, Trump oversees and stands in a field of pumpkins turned albino after FDA agents drained all the rich pumpkin-spice flavorings from them.  According to a leaked memo, the nation’s supply of pumpkins will be drained of flavor as punishment if rich, white-women don’t ‘knock if off with all that elevator screamer metoo stuff’.

A deep state Obama-mole buried deep within the White House leaked an alleged memo that directs the FDA to effective immediately, start draining the nation’s supply of pumpkins of their flavoring.

The order came about after women rallied behind Dr. Blasely-Ford, who accused now Supreme Court justice Kavanaugh of assaulting her in high school.  Powerfully white officials in the GOP were absolutely appalled and demanded respect and understanding that ‘boys will be boys‘ and that a little assault in one’s younger days should definitely not ruin a potentially powerfully white man’s life.

The new psychological warfare has been described as a war of attrition by GOP strategists.  The theory goes that if women are deprived of pumpkin spice this fall season, they will undergo ‘a severe emotional trauma, suddenly having their Spiced Pumpkin Chai Frappes and Pumpkin-Spice Kissed Yankee Doodle Candles ripped away from them’.

The strategy also compounds with social media, with all the requisite selfies of the pumpkin-scented drinks that would have been placed on social media instead replaced with panic and outrage after they realize they will have to compromise their “self-respect, demands for justice and values” or consequences will be had, a GOP official said under condition of anonymity.

He continued, “Them getting to have their pumpkin spice is a small price for them to have to pay so that we can let bygones be bygones, like that Blasely-Ford and friends should have done!”

In unrelated news, do not forget to register to vote on November 6th.

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