Ushers with the affected theaters report toward the ending credits, chaos erupted as ‘several married men were secretly reaching over seat backs and popcorn buckets to jostle other fathers in the audience’. Local medical facilities initially thought perhaps a gas spill or food contaminant such as ergot was responsible for the sudden influx of patients reporting strange urges and sensations.
Sociologists speculate that the 3d displays of a supple, portly man sashaying in silken lederhosen whilst vying for the affection of an older French brute of a man named Gaston may awaken some primal or prehistoric portion of the male brain that has can be bent toward seeking homosexual pleasures and desire.
Gays have long studied the brain and have become masters of neuroscience so they can find ways to exploit the heterosexual brain for their carnal benefit. Analysts fear that gays have found a perfect combination: immersive 3d imagery that depict acts of hard homosexuality lullabied into the brain by the power of classic Disney singalongs.
Scientists speaking on behalf the Christian Defense League of Texas warn that Beauty and the Beast 3D may be part of a gay conspiracy to use bent photons and shocking in-your-face homosexuality to confuse the brain of older men who are not used to such displays.
Editor’s Note: The nation of Malaysia had to host an emergency session and issue a state of emergency after the movie caused apocalyptic outbreaks of homosexuality in the streets. The functioning members of government who were not overcome by homosexuality held a unanimous vote to ban Beauty and the Beast from further 3d showings.