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Confirmed: 27 Men Contract Homosexuality After Viewing Beauty and the Beast 3D

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The CDC has confirmed 27 new cases of homosexuality in Texas after a Dallas/Fort Worth area theater aired Beauty and the Beast in 3D.

Eyewitness reports detail how during the movie, all seemed well and pleasant until the fairy tale character LeFou — traditionally the jovial bard and sidekick to Gaston — inexplicably burst into a trademark gay dance routine and ended it by kissing another male character in 3D.

Ushers with the affected theaters report toward the ending credits, chaos erupted as ‘several married men were secretly reaching over seat backs and popcorn buckets to jostle other fathers in the audience’.   Local medical facilities initially thought perhaps a gas spill or food contaminant such as ergot was responsible for the sudden influx of patients reporting strange urges and sensations.

Sociologists speculate that the 3d displays of a supple, portly man sashaying in silken lederhosen whilst vying for the affection of an older French brute of a man named Gaston may awaken some primal or prehistoric portion of the male brain that has can be bent toward seeking homosexual pleasures and desire.

Gays have long studied the brain and have become masters of neuroscience so they can find ways to exploit the heterosexual brain for their carnal benefit.  Analysts fear that gays have found a perfect combination:  immersive 3d imagery that depict acts of hard homosexuality lullabied into the brain by the power of classic Disney singalongs.

Scientists speaking on behalf the Christian Defense League of Texas warn that Beauty and the Beast 3D may be part of a gay conspiracy to use bent photons and shocking in-your-face homosexuality to confuse the brain of older men who are not used to such displays.

Editor’s Note:  The nation of Malaysia had to host an emergency session and issue a state of emergency after the movie caused apocalyptic outbreaks of homosexuality in the streets.  The functioning members of government who were not overcome by homosexuality held a unanimous vote to ban Beauty and the Beast from further 3d showings.

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Comments(46)

  1. Reply
    Jeffrey Hull says

    Yes, I feel more open to express myself against the Christian Belief. I was born this way. It is Gods will. God wrote 1 Samuel 18:1 – The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Johnathon loved him as his own soul.

    • Reply
      Disgusted! says

      Read the rest of that Bible verse! And read Sodom and Gomorrah while you’re at it!

      • Reply
        athiest says

        Sodom and Gomorrah? Seriously? Jesus would love this show and adore the men kissing one another. It shows humanity not hatred.

      • Reply
        Fifth Dentist says

        Good thinking.
        “‘Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.” — Ezekiel 16:49

        Hmmmm. Seems that Sodom’s “sin” was being fat, greedy, arrogant a-holes who didn’t help the less fortunate.
        Sounds like America these days.
        There was also the bit about Jesus damning to eternal hell the “goats” on his left who never fed the hungry, clothed the naked or visited the prisoner in jail.

      • Reply
        Fifth Dentist says

        “”Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.”

      • Reply
        Kevin Radley says

        HAHAHAHHAHHAHA, I did, In the Gospel of Matthew (and corresponding verse) when Jesus warns of a worse judgment for some cities than Sodom, inhospitality is perceived by some as the sin, while others see it fundamentally being impenitence:
        If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town. I tell you the truth, it will be more bearable for Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgment than for that town. —Matthew 10:14-15

    • Reply
      Steven F Smith says

      Jeffrey, how can you say this when all kids are born without sin? Kids are not born racist. They are not born criminals. They are not born gay. In the world of psychology, there is the concept of nature versus nurture.

      The Bible says, “Raise a child in the way they should grow, and they shall not depart.” If you raise a child to think being gay is okay or let them watch this Disney movie, then of course they are going to turn out gay. There is no moral guidance to teach them otherwise.

      • Reply
        John says

        Born without sin? Nonsense. The Psalmist wrote:
        The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies. Psalm 58:3 KJV

        • Reply
          Resa says

          Riiiight…because infants are hardcore sinners. Jesus was a homeless hippie who spent his time with prostitutes, criminals, and the destitute and sick because no one had the time or inclination to care. Maybe you should reread your ‘good book.’

      • Reply
        Leslie Miller says

        You’re a special kind of stupid aren’t you?

      • Reply
        nas says

        Interesting you follow ‘they are not born gay’ by mentioning nature vs. Nurture, since currently, the APA stance is that it’s not known whether it’s nature or nuture.
        But regardless, presuming it’s nurture, your comment ignores the thousands of years in which homosexuals have existed, across all cultures, despite homosexuality most often not being viewed as acceptable by society — millions of people not raised to think it’s OK who were gay anyway. As anyone with a decent understanding of psychology would know, even if something is born from nuture, that doesn’t mean you can pinpoint the exact cause (or change, but that’s a completely different argument). Plenty of kids have been raised ‘right’ by two parents in god fearing homes with 0 exposure to homosexuality and are still gay.
        And the “no other moral guide” except this movie? I really hope you’re being satirical and i just missed it, but seriously, if your parenting isn’t good enough to teach your kids how to think critically and still retain their morality even when the outside world and media presents stories in conflict with it, don’t become a parent – they’ll become thieves and murderers.

      • Reply
        Robert says

        Good Lord, forgive this ignorant ignorant.

      • Reply
        Kurleyq72 says

        Just because a child watches this film does NOT mean they will turn out to be homosexual. Do you really believe that? If so, why? What about children raised by homosexual couples who grow up and are heterosexual? How do you explain that?

      • Reply
        Lynda Yilmaz says

        Steven. I do hope you are also joining in the spirit of satire, when you compare being gay with criminality and racism. Not to mention the implication that being gay is a ‘sin’. If you”re serious – you are an ignorant twat!

    • Reply
      Karen says

      Gezundheit!

  2. Reply
    Buford says

    Ha! This site is great! The satire is on point. Um not a gay point of course or a black or immigrant or woman point but a really really blunt, dull pale testosterone point. eh, more like a wedge between two ferns.

  3. Reply
    Cheese Wizzington says

    You people are seriously ignorant!

    • Reply
      Andy Luther says

      And you need to get a sense of humor. It’s SATIRE!

      • Reply
        Sue Ellen says

        Thanks for stating the obvious to us that have a brain and sense of humor!….LOL!

  4. Reply
    John Holmes says

    But you can turn gay. I know people who did.

    • Reply
      David J. Biviano says

      Turn right or left?

    • Reply
      Andy Luther says

      No you don’t.

    • Reply
      Jane G. says

      You can’t “turn gay.” People who have hitherto identified as heterosexual can have feelings for someone of the same sex awakened. It might only be by one person, or it could help them recognise that they had been suppressing a same-sex attraction.

    • Reply
      Urs Metselaar says

      Any individual may appear to outsiders to have “turned” gay; but who knows for how long they were keeping their true sexuality to themselves, or even were unaware of it until a pivotal moment? It’s why we call it “coming out” (from the closet, or darkness).

    • Reply
      Allyson says

      No one ‘turns gay’. They just come to terms with a reality as ‘always was’ for them. Religion is an actual ‘social disease’…while being LGBT is by birth.

    • Reply
      Steven F Smith says

      Yes, you can turn gay. It’s funny that when gays groom and trick a Republican politician or pastor into participating in their lifestyle, the media and liberals just love to talk about it and cast stones. But then they don’t want to admit that a person can be turned gay. Hypocrisy much?

  5. Reply
    Raven Brown says

    where is the proof it made them gay? Im gay and was gay way before this movie came out….

  6. Reply
    Joseph Atkins says

    RIDICULOUS!!! We don’t have to “make” more gay people! GOD does that for us!!!!

  7. Reply
    Fanie Grobbelaar says

    Your post is absolutly based on no facts whatsoever at all. For people being scientists your are the absolute bumbest lot on earth. Time for you all to go back to grade 1 !!!! Homesexuality is not a disease and its not something in a microwave or foid or in a movie. Gay people are created this way !!!! I myself was born gay ! ! ! ! Also im a child of ALMIGHTY GOD WHO created me…wake up and stop your crap ! ! !

    • Reply
      Beth says

      Darlin’, I am not sure if your comment is intended as sarcasm or not, so I thought I would point out that this website is satire. Its intended to poke fun at those who believe that exposure to homosexuality makes people gay, which is preposturous​. There has been quite an uproar and a boycott of Disney because of this movie. The article is intended to point out the idiocy of that response in a humorous way.

    • Reply
      Alsnow says

      Oh sweety…. One word for you… SATIRE

  8. Reply
    nathan says

    Wow!! Haha!! Im not surprised about this. Figures people still think homosexuality is contracted and people are as gulible as the people who wrote this. Lets use our brain before yall get laughed at for a rediculous comment.

    • Reply
      Jeff says

      Seriosly dude, this article was meant to be satirical. Its not meant to be taken seriosly. It is meant to poke fun at all the people who actually do believe you can “catch gay”. I don’t get how you don’t getnit or understand it.

  9. Reply
    Jessica says

    You guys are idiots if you believe this is even true..there is no men kissing in this movie at all..I saw it Thursday night

  10. Reply
    Marianne Benjamin says

    Of course this is satire. Anyone who doesn’t see that is seriously paranoid. I am a Christian, but I don’t agree with the Christian Right who was asking us to boycott the movie. The movie is not going to cause children or adults to become gay that’s not even logical. Jesup taught us that the greatest commandment is Love. As he loves all. I might not understand the how or why some people are gay, but it doesn’t matter. Homosexuals do not become “straight” from watching movies with only heterosexuals. Think about it!

  11. Reply
    Lisa says

    Someone who uses the phrase “Fake News ” might not understand what
    satire is
    the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

  12. Reply
    Joe blow says

    My friends are all gay now after seeing this movie

  13. Reply
    Joe blow says

    My friends are all gay now

  14. Reply
    Jan says

    Stop it! Why must gays ruin everything! I remember watching this movie with my daughter when Disney was a Christian company and it was truly beautiful fairy tale. Now I have grandkids and I wanted to take them to see this, but the last thing I need is for my two grandsons to turn gay after watching this and living with the guilt that I enabled the gays to use their voodoo sciences in turning their brains corrupt.

    • Reply
      Sensible says

      What a bunch off muppets. What is going on in someones tiny brain that they believe you can be turned gay? You either are or your not. Anyone that thinks otherwise must be worried they will turn gay themselves and if so then you must already know you have feelings you are worried about. I’m straight and i know there is nothing in this world that i could ever watch that would change that, its just the way i was made. Same for everyone, gay or not, some people are bi anyway and they were born that way also.

    • Reply
      J says

      Are you a real person? You sound quite unintelligent, and misinformed. I’m a Christian man, and I am gay. I was raised Lutheran for 25 years. Yet, you’re the type of person who is destroying love, and this entire country. I feel bad for you. Do you realize you could end up in “hell” because of your judgement? Of course you don’t, because you pick and choose what you think is “right and wrong.” I feel bad for your grandsons because they have a hateful, ignorant woman trying to “raise” them. You have no business in our lives. You don’t get it. I suggest you start repenting for your sins of judgment upon others, because you are in the same boat my dear. There is no eternal kingdom for those who hate others. Sorry…you’re f’d. I forgive you, and truly hope you learn the truth.

      • Reply
        val says

        Of course, what other kind of Christian could you be than liberal Lutheran? And yes, you can become gay by influence. It is so evident: why so many sailors or prison inhabitants are gay? Because they have all the conditions to turn so…

  15. Reply
    Kim m says

    Please stop if you were true Christian’s, then thou shall not judge .it is so sad you can’t just watch a movie and just enjoy it as a fairytale. I feel so sorry for your little souls ,may God have mercy a you ..

    • Reply
      Rico says

      Sick people. You are the haters not Christian people. You are just mad because the truth hurts and you are in sin against God. God made Adam and Eve to multiply not Adam and Steve that can’t.

  16. Reply
    Geordie says

    Calm down and watch rocky horror, if you start doing the time warp you might be alittle queer and loving it 😜🙃 as for beauty and the beast doesnt that promote relations with animals? ie “the beast?” Just saying 🤔🤔😉

  17. Reply
    Ian says

    For those of you thinking this is a serious bit of reporting, if they were ‘made’ homosexual by that scene, surely both they and the people who were gay and bi already would have been made heterosexual by the love between Belle and the monster?

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