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Alert: Roving Hordes of Gays Pinching Fathers Not Wearing Green For St Patrick’s Day

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St Patrick’s Day, now becoming celebrated in the gay community as the ‘Running of the Straights’, has taken on a horrific meaning for traditional families nationwide.  Reports of well-organized groping attacks carried out by seemingly feral groups of gay men on straight men for ‘not wearing green’ are coming in worldwide.

Eyewitnesses report that when these bands of gays come upon men who are not homosexual and not wearing green, they exhibit extreme signs of becoming restless and aroused, excitedly stamping their feet and ravenously snapping their jaws as a sign that they have found their next victim.

Moles buried deep into various enclaves of the gay community report much chatter their social networking groups of the new ‘Running of the Straights’ tradition, which is being reported as ‘jovial fun’ to give straight men the thrill of being part of the hunt and perhaps even converting a few in all the excitement.

Scientists with the Christian Defense League of Texas are warning straight men that gays tend to have extremely hard-earned physiques and stamina fueled by Red Bull-infused all-night weekend benders, making it easy for them to give chase and catch most straight men.  Running away quickly only seems to initiate a primal pack instinct that results in their pinching and prodding being even more assertive.

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