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Canada Declares National Emergency, Builds Solid Wall of Snow To Keep Americans Out

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stands before the Great White Wall, a newly constructed glacial fortification mostly designed to keep dangerous red-hatted Americans out of Canada.

Taking advantage of the polar vortex largely caused by the US ignoring climate change and continually disrupting weather patterns on a global scale, Canada was able to retrieve melted chunks of Antarctic snow and ice to build their wall for less than $1 million loonies.

Here is the full transcript of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s speech on the border wall:

“My fellow Candians,

Tonight, I am speaking to you because there is a growing humanitarian and security crisis at our southern border.

Every day customs and border patrol agents encounter thousands of illegal Americans trying to enter our country to buy reasonably priced prescription drugs and properly brewed Tim Horton’s coffee.

Quite frankly, we are finding that Americans are turning batshit crazy and we need to promptly return them back home to their country.

The United States is a pipeline for vast quantities of illegal drugs, including meth, heroin, cocaine and fentanyl. Their hospitals serve the populace opiates in rimmed cpus. Every week 300 Americans are killed by heroin alone. More Americans will die from drugs this year than were killed in the entire Vietnam War.

Over the last few years, America has rained hell and damnation upon other nations, yawning and scrolling through social media as errant bombs wielded by their military tear and sear innocent people flesh and limb. Even within their own nation, they argue over the color of dresses while partisan politics influence opinions on blatant racial inequality. Poor Republicans cheer and hoop and holler as the same politicians help corporations steal billions from the citizens for kickbacks to their coffers.

This is a humanitarian crisis, a crisis of the heart and a crisis of the soul.

The United States of America is self-destructing and we don’t want any part of it. This giant wall of ice will defend us for years to come, as at least half of the American public will continue to ignore science because Fox News tells them to do so.”

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