In 2012, Mitt Romney warned everyone of China’s mission to destroy Jesus, America’s business and reign in a future communist utopia.
But this week, the biggest story is that China has managed to create a new genetically engineered version of Jesus. In the following video Chinese Jesus runs the length of three football fields in lightning fast time. He is apparently training with the Chinese armies so that he can lead them into battle against Western civilization:
The Chinese town of Liqian was founded by a group of Romans who went ‘on the run’ soon after the death of Jesus Christ on the cross. Legend holds that two of the founders were soldiers who brought with them garments worn by Christ. Intelligence sources report recent advances in Chinese science have allowed the nation to isolate DNA from the garments and create a new clone in their image.
Instead of raising their Jesus as the son of a carpenter, it seems the Chinese military have instead hidden him away in a temple to study Eastern religions and advanced Shaolin monk karate. The footage shows him easily running across the sea while people who try to pull him under the water can only flail away from his power and perfect balance.