Eyewitness reports from the White House allege that Senate Majoriy Leader Mitch McConnell was the recent victim of a classic swirly delivered by President Donald Trump and Judge Brett Kavanaugh.
The incident purportedly took place late Monday night, after Trump and Kavanaugh threw back a few beers and recalled nostalgic exploits from their high school and college days.
McConnell allegedly could not keep up with the drinking and excused himself to go to the bathroom. According to interns, Trump and Kavanaugh, their alpha-male personalities riled up by beer and past memories’, ‘instictively’ followed the ‘total beta nerd’ McConnell into a stall and grabbed him.
Seconds later, staffers report hearing ‘turtleish shrieks and gasps for air’ over the sound of the toilet’s flusher being whammied by the statesmen.
An exuberant Trump and Kavanaugh high-fived each other as they walked from the bathroom, leaving McConnell stuck upside down in the toilet, flailing his legs as he struggled to get out and right himself. A few sympathetic Republican senators allegedly helped him get back on his feet and gave him towels to get dried off. Trump complained that his old letter jacket got totally wet from all of McConnell’s flailing.
Understandably spooked by old memories of getting roughed up by jocks and frat bros, Senator McConnell today announced he will immediately file cloture to finalize Kavanaugh’s appointment.