Following the spectacle that was the Great American Eclipse this afternoon, word is now getting out that the President of the United States has suffered a “catastrophic loss” of his vision.
According to White House insiders, Donald Trump was overheard scoffing at allegations of intentional sabotage in many shipments of solar eclipse viewing glasses. The POTUS dismissed these reports as “Fake News” before donning his own pair of solar glasses, ignoring countless advisors and aides who urged him to use a pair that was made in the United States.
“I don’t see what the fuss is about,” Trump was overheard saying. “The Chinese know what they’re doing. I’ve always said, they make some of the [best] things, absolutely. And they get the job done without wasting so much money, [I] always admired that.”
Accounts vary in regards to how long the President viewed the sun through his Chinese-made eclipse glasses. However, it was another three hours before anybody suspected there was a problem. Initially, President Trump attributed the blur to a lack of sleep, as well as eye strain from reading the many reports that come across his desk. A quick visit with his personal physician revealed severe thermal and photochemical retinopathy, also called “eclipse blindness”.
As of yet, there has been no word on the White House’s response to these events.